Managing Conflict

I have always prided myself on being a non-confrontational, peaceful and positive person. Luckily, I have never really had to deal with any conflict previously in my life, whether it be at school growing up, university or even in my professional life.

I live in a pretty close knit family so even conflict with family members was always generally pretty minimal. This all changed though one year to the day when my marriage unexpectedly and shockingly fell apart. My wife and I separated, leading to the biggest and most heartbreaking conflict in my life.

From issues surrounding our beautiful young son, to other issues that I hadn’t even dreamed of or considered such as finances, property and child support I was left feeling perplexed, heartbroken and anxious of what the future might bring.

Over the past year having dealt with such an unexpected and tense conflict, I have had the opportunity to reflect, grow and learn as a person. I feel that despite the times of sheer gut wrenching sadness, unanswerable questions and a plethora of self doubt and heartbreak that I have come out of this with a myriad of lessons learnt and a much clearer understanding of myself.

Most importantly I have understood what it means to better manage conflict which I’m sure will hold me in good stead in my future professional and personal life. I hope that I can pass on some of my lessons learnt to you dear reader in case you are going through your own conflict whether it be personal, professional or even your own internal conflict.

The best way to manage conflict is to remove the ‘personal’ aspect from it. For me this was extremely difficult as one of the most integral components of the conflict was my ex wife, someone that I had an extremely close, personal relationship with.

Ensuring that the conflict becomes personal through insults, negative comments, character assassinations quickly ensures that your conflict reaches a whole level of unbridled intensity. It is extremely difficult to extinguish or resolve a conflict when there’s personal animosity present in addition to other emotions such as anger, frustration and ego.

In these days where society is extremely litigious, ensure that personal insults, insults to other stakeholders such as family and friends and personal remarks are kept to a minimum. Instead rationalise the conflict, aim to de-personalise the conflict as much as possible into an almost business like negotiation and transaction. Focus on where the conflict lies, what constructive actions can be achieved and how you can look to convey this to the other party.

If you are being personally attacked yourself, it is important to not get swept up in the name calling, insults and personal attacks. Look instead to lead by example, be the inspiring and positive presence in the conflict and aim to resolve the issue through peaceful means. By taking the higher road and showing your integrity and level headedness, you distance yourself from any personal attacks coming your way and also send a clear message to the other party that their aggressive behaviour is not having any affect on you personally.

If third parties such as solicitors, counsellors and mediators are involved, show them that you are not to be drawn into personal battles and look to take the higher road. This way, even with the presence of third parties, you are ultimately the one that will be recognised as someone who is trying to make an effort to resolve issues in a positive manner.

In managing conflict, be willing to participate in the old game of ‘give and take’. For every conflict to be resolved, a compromise must be reached. A compromise can only be reached if each party is willing to listen to the other, understand their perspective and work together for the common good. This common good can be a project, a work deadline or something so important as a young child. Work together in the best interests of this common good and leave history and personal animosity in the background.

It is also important if you are dealing with a personal or work conflict to document everything. Document emails and text message transcripts. Document any contracts or agreements between you and your employer. Document your achievements and successes and any positive communication that you may be having with the person that you are in conflict with. Evidence in terms of written documentation is worth it’s weight in gold, particularly if you are dealing with solicitors, counsellors and mediators.

Focus on yourself, your loved ones and your health. Minimise the impact that this conflict can potentially have on you by purely focusing on yourself. This can involve spending time with those you love being around, spending time pursuing your passions and also looking after your health. The more you focus on a conflict, the more the conflict will impact your everyday life. Look to also continue to live your life in a productive and positive manner. If you look after yourself, you will be able to manage your conflict in a far more positive way.

Whilst I’m sure that there are many other great tips on how to manage conflict in self help, business and psychology books that are available, these were some of my personal tips in dealing with a very difficult and complicated conflict. If any of these tips help you in anyway then writing this blog entry has been very much worth it.

Good luck!

Good Thing, Bad Thing

It’s 7:30pm in the evening as I post this on a cold, wintery Saturday night here in Melbourne, Australia. I have been fortunate enough to have had a wonderful Saturday and thankfully got to experience the outdoors and the sunshine today after a long spell of wet and dreary winter weather.

Earlier this year my marriage regrettably broke down and my wife separated from me. It was completely unexpected and came as a huge shock to me. The past few months have been the most difficult and challenging of my life. Every aspect of my life was turned upside down and I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

I’ve been so lucky to have the unconditional and loving support of my parents, my sister, my friends and most importantly my wonderful baby boy. The past few months have taught me many valuable lessons and it continues to shape who I am, hopefully for the better.

I was out to lunch yesterday with a very good friend. This friend has been a great support for me during this difficult time. As the sun was out, we decided to walk off our lunch and this is where my friend told me a fantastic story.

The story was of a young villager who was the strongest man in the village. Members of the village would always ask this young, strong villager for help. Whether it was to help with the crops, to carry heavy timber, or to chop down a large tree, this young villager was always dependable and strong enough to tackle any task that required his great strength.

One day while attending to his crops, the young villager fell down and broke his back. The young villager was immediately resigned to his bed as he could not move a muscle or lift a finger, let alone anything heavy. He was in constant pain. When the entire village heard of the unfortunate news, they all gathered at the young villager’s house to offer them their sympathies and their help.

They all lamented, “It is such a tragedy that this happened, you are so unlucky, how do you feel?” The villager would just reply and say “Yes I broke my back but it could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing, who knows?” The members of the village were confused and wondered how this could be a good thing.

As the weeks and months went by, the once strong young villager did not recover and was still bed ridden. Every time someone asked him how he felt being bed ridden when once he was so strong, his response was always the same, “It could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Who knows?” The entire village continued to be bemused by his reaction.

As the months went by, the village was under attack from a neighbouring rival village. The conflict quickly descended into war and the village elders selected the strongest, bravest young villagers from the entire community to defend their homes and their village. The young villager who broke his back was not picked as he was not useful enough to defend the village. He continued to rest and recover in his bed.

As the war raged on, every strong, brave, young villager selected was killed in battle and the village lost the war. The young villager realised that his broken back had saved his life. Had he not been injured, he would have most certainly have been selected to defend his village in the war and would have been killed. The young villager recovered over time and eventually regained his strength. In the end the event that many people in the village thought was a grave misfortune, became the very event that saved his life.

The story really struck a chord with me and I realised that even the greatest misfortune has a hidden good and sometimes we just don’t know it at the time. So next time when someone asks me how I am coping, I would be well served to respond “It could be a good thing or a bad thing, who knows?”